Ola Fakoya: Not Happy With Your Sex Life? Say Something!

February is arguably the month where a lot of sexual action takes place. Valentine’s day being the main cause of the increased activity. However, even though there is increased love in the air, some people are not happy with the sexual activity itself. And as February has now gone, we also want the unpleasant sexual experiences to follow it. This article will discuss a few ways to communicate to your partner that their “best moves” definitely needs to improve.

As with every other aspect of a relationship, the most important thing to remember is communication. If you are not happy, say something! However difficult it is, it is important to communicate effectively or you will not be fulfilled sexually. Some of you are probably saying that this is easier said than done. Below are three simple points to make it as easy to do as it is to say.

Timing
Do not bring this up directly AFTER sex. In my professional experience as a clinical advisor, that is a definite NO-NO. This is because of high and sensitive emotions due to the increase of hormone production especially oxytocin and vasopressin which are produced during sex and after an orgasm. Therefore, the person who had an orgasm/a better orgasm is technically more sensitive and prone to emotional distress than the person who was unsatisfied; so this could lead to an argument or someone storming out or biting a body part (I have seen the results of this).

I will advise one to bring up this sensitive topic when you think your partner will most likely be in a good mood. For example, you can discuss your concerns after dinner, (especially if you are a woman) because your partner is full so is more than likely going to be in a better mood. Some couples that have very good communication skills and a great relationship can discuss their concerns at any time including after sex because they completely understand or are willing to understand each other so there is little room for misinterpretation.

Other couples tend to find that talking through what they want during the sexual activity is easier and well-received. For example if your partner asks what you would like or if something feels good. Be honest and just say what you would like or what could feel better.

Phrasing
Consider your partner’s feelings before you say anything. Also consider using the 3 Cs- COMPLIMENT, CONCERN, and COMPLIMENT. If you use this method, your partner will leave feeling elated not criticised. For example:
Woman: “Babe. I really liked when you caressed my face. (COMPLIMENT)
Man: “Aww that’s nice. I’m glad you like it”
*Wait 1 minute, smile lovingly, give a kiss or a hug (or more food)*
Woman: “You know what I would like to try again?”
Man: “What?”
Woman: “When you hold my hand. Maybe you can do it softer next time? I would looveee that” (CONCERN)
Man: “Ok. I will try”
Woman: “Thanks babe. I am so lucky to have such a fine man who is so willing and good at fulfilling my sexual desires. Anything you think I could do for you?” (COMPLIMENT).

Follow-up
If you can, give your partner time to adjust. This means you wait a few days before you remind them of the discussion either verbally/through action. However, if you are definitely not enjoying what is happening, then you can put it into action the next time you are intimate. But make sure you follow it through. Or it would just be a wasted conversation. When you decide on the right time, gently remind your partner of what you had suggested. You can do this verbally or non-verbally. Examples of the two are below:

Verbal reminder: “Hun remember what I wanted to try …… Do you mind doing it now?”
Or
Action reminder: Woman/Man: (When she/he starts to do what you don’t like)- Gently remove hand/head/leg/hair/ice-cream from the area and move it to where you want. Do not do it forcefully or quickly, but slowly and gently and perhaps maintaining eye contact so he/she can tell that you are enjoying the new activity that you like.

If the above tips don’t help, it might be helpful to seek professional help like counselling.

Photo Credit: thetrentonline.com

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Ola Fakoya is a senior clinical Advisor and CEO of Powerrus. She is interested in the globalisation of healthcare, and is an advocate for healthy living. Powerrus is a healthcare advisory service that offers worldwide healthcare service comparison for international clients. You can follow her on Twitter @Powerrus2 or at www.powerrus.co.uk