Titilayo Olurin: Is There Any Such Thing As Visiting Etiquette?

A recent conversation I had with a colleague at work was steered towards the topic of visiting. She said she’d like to visit one of her pupils who had been ill and absent from school for almost a week.

“You know, as the teacher, I want to show the parents that they are in my thoughts,” she said, with a small frown and eyes that peered into mine.  “Maybe I could go tomorrow.”

I realised that she wasn’t just telling me what she wanted to do; she wanted to know what I thought of it. I let her know that it was a kind gesture and encouraged her to visit, as long as she could find her way and was not going empty-handed.

She seemed genuinely shocked at the last part. “Why? The important thing is for them to see me. They’ll appreciate the visit.”

Of course, they would, I assured her. But I was quick to add that I thought it odd to visit a sick child empty-handed.

“I’ll buy a drink then,” she responded, after a long pause, and went ahead to mention the name of a juice brand.

The truth is, there are no written, hard and fast rules to visiting. Not as far as I can tell. But just like there are social, table or dining, phone, business, and email etiquettes, I imagine that there are visiting etiquettes, too. Now, I do not mean staying over at a friend’s house, spending the weekend at your boyfriend’s, spending a week at some cousin’s, or spending a holiday with family in another town, city or country. That will be a topic for another day. I am referring to the short visits you make to friends, work colleagues, family, members of your religious circle, to a sick friend, to new parents or the bereaved. Basically, I mean, social visits, condolence visits, birthday visits and post-partum visits. Again, these are not stringent rules that one should be crucified for when not followed. They are, however, things that everyone should consider doing when visiting. So, here are my top seven visiting etiquette tips that I have learnt over the years.

Be Punctual/Early

Some may argue that, since it’s not a formal or business meeting or event, they do not have to show up early. That’s true. It’s a social visit, and there’s no fixed time for you to be there. But what if there’s a fixed time? If you give your hosts a particular time or time frame that you’ll be there or vice versa, it’s best to show up at that time or within that time frame. That way, they can trust you enough to host you again, because they know that you’d show up when you say you will. Besides, you don’t want to be that person who shows up late in the evening (except, of course, they specifically tell you to) just when your hosts are about to turn in for the day. Plus, while you do not want to get there too early, remember that the earlier you show up, the earlier you leave.

Don’t Overstay Your Welcome

When you visit someone, you shouldn’t wait till they become restless and fidgety, are not too subtle with their words, expressions, body language, and signal for you to go, and are all but kicking you out of the door before you know that it is time to leave. Make the purpose of your visit known as soon as you settle in and give them whatever gift you brought for them, perhaps banter a little too, then make your leave. Do not wait around for food and drinks. And you certainly do not want to choose this time to watch the three-hour movie you have been dying to watch, except they invite you to, or start a new gist just as they say, “Thank you for coming.” You do not want to wear your hosts out by staying too long. Trust me, it is better for your visit to be too short than too long.

Don’t Show Up Uninvited or Unannounced

Not only is it rude to visit unannounced or uninvited (even if, for some reason, you have the key to their house), but it is also an inconvenience. When you visit someone who isn’t expecting you, you disrupt their plans. Also, they may not be in the mood for visitors and the planning involved, like cooking, buying drinks, setting up, cleaning up, or even just talking. It does not matter that this person is someone you are dating or are in a relationship with. It does not matter that you are best friends and have known this person all your life. It does not matter that you live only a few houses away from this person. In this age of cell phones, social media and the Internet, you have no excuse for showing up at someone’s door unannounced.

Stick To Plans

Nothing builds mistrust like a visitor who does not stick to plans. Once you tell your hosts that you are visiting at noon on Saturday, make sure you show up then. You may not be able to make it exactly at noon, but don’t let the time you arrive be too far off from the time given. You shouldn’t arrive at 5 pm when your hosts are tired of waiting for you and are on to other things. Not only have you disrupted their personal plans, but you have also disrupted the plans they made for you. You don’t want to be that person who keeps changing their mind. We get it. Things happen unexpectedly, and plans change. And that’s okay. But don’t promise to visit on a Wednesday only to change your mind a day before and promise to visit on Friday, when you are sure to change your mind again with a text saying, “Can we do Saturday instead?” Yet, when Saturday rolls by, you claim that something else has come up. Your hosts will never take you seriously and will probably not be receptive to ever hosting you again. They will not trust you to keep your word.

Don’t Feel Entitled

This means that you should not expect transport fare or expect your hosts to order you a ride when leaving. This includes suggesting, asking directly, coercing and coaxing. Even if you are only visiting because your hosts invited you, do not expect them to foot your transport bill. Do not expect them to serve you anything either. While it is expected of your hosts to do so, do not take offence when they don’t. Don’t ask for food or drinks because you think you deserve it. You are, after all, a guest. But if they wanted to, they would, and you wouldn’t have to ask.

There’s the other end of the stick, too. If they offer you food or drinks, and you are not up to it, ask for water instead so that you do not come off as rude and do not offend your host.

Don’t Visit Empty-Handed

True, the economy is hard, and we cannot afford to buy gifts every time we visit someone. I mean, we’re already spending money on transport, right? Shouldn’t the visit be enough? Ah, but that’s the thing – it isn’t. In some situations, it would even be better not to visit at all than to do so empty-handed. If you’re visiting someone who just had a baby, you’d want to buy something. Maybe diapers, baby wipes, a cute onesie or some detergent. Something useful to the new parents. If you’re visiting someone sick or recuperating, you could buy fruits and beverages. And if you’re going to a friend’s to hang out, buy something everyone can drink or snack on. When gifting, bear in mind that you cannot visit with only one of the items. Fruits, for instance. Rather than giving someone an apple or a banana, it would make more sense to give a bunch of bananas and some apples. Remember that it’s the thought that counts. So, as much as you don’t want to stress over what you’re buying, put some thought into it.

Don’t Visit Too Often

I cannot stress this enough. That you enjoyed your first visit does not mean you should visit again the next day or the day after. Think of all the planning that went into hosting you and making you comfortable. Your hosts would have spent some good money to make you food or order in, to buy drinks or snacks. They would have spent quality time setting up the house before your visit. They would even have had to be mentally and emotionally prepared for your visit, especially if they are the kind that do not have visitors. Do you want them to get into all that again so soon? Give them a break! And I mean that literally.

What other visiting etiquette tips can you think of?

***

Feature Image by Ninthgrid for Pexels