#BN2016Epilogues: Lost But Found For Nafiah

It’s that time of the year when members of the BellaNaija community come together to bond over shared experiences in the last 12 months. As with the previous editions of this series, we put out a call for you to send us your stories. {Click here if you missed it}

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Today, Nafiah’s story is relatable and we hope to encourage someone today. You are not alone.

2015 was my year, literally, everything seemed so put together and I got so comfortable with it that the 2016 blow hit me hard and caught me unawares.

A couple of months before the year started, I turned 18 (I became fairly legal, as I like to put it) and it came with a pack of emotions. The first half of the year was alright, manageable, as I thought I was still adjusting to the new age, to being older. I didn’t feel different, yet I didn’t feel the same. I was emotionless a quarter of the time but, I didn’t realise it till it was the second half of the year.

I felt so different and I didn’t know who I was anymore. It seemed like I woke up headless every morning and slept soulless. I tried really hard to find myself again, to find who I was and who I’d eventually become but, the search didn’t go too well. I’m a happy person, naturally, but that changed. It was a minute of happiness, two minutes of indifference and four, of sadness. I had to try so hard to smile, laugh or even make myself happy. I had to put on the ‘happy girl’ face just to make myself and other people believe that I was alright. I laughed at the driest jokes and the silliest things just to be sure that I wasn’t losing myself, but guess what? I already lost myself.

I lost my vibe and my rhythm.

I’m one person that doesn’t really like talking to people about my problems (I’m an amazing listener though, but it was hard to do that as well), but writing about them is my thing! I’ll write about something that was bothering me and I’d literally feel better in the twinkle of an eye but, this year, I couldn’t write for a long time.
Nope! I wasn’t too busy to write. I suffered a writer’s block for about 8 to 9 months and it was terrible. I tried to cure it but, nothing I did seemed to work. I’m a shy writer and I don’t really do anything with my pieces – I just keep them – but, that didn’t still matter, I just wanted to keep writing. But, I couldn’t and that made me frustrated the more.

I finally got to write about my ‘amazing’ year sometime in August and, like I said, I felt better but, it wasn’t for a long time. Writing didn’t seem to work this time and although, I thought it did, I didn’t know why. Now that I think of it, it was probably my ‘writing makes me feel better and makes the problems all go away’ mindset that made me feel better and not ‘writing’ in the true sense. I realised that it was time to talk to someone so, I sent my wonderful sister a text and we had a really long conversation about the whole issue. If I didn’t learn anything at all from that conversation, I learnt some important things – that I can’t try to be happy for anybody; I have to be happy for myself, that there will always be God where there’s no one else and that reading the Qur’an, praying and talking to God first will make me feel better than any other thing would.

I’ve cried, I’ve been sad for days, I’ve been blank, I’ve been clueless, I’ve been numb, I’ve been lost but, most of all, I have learnt and I’m still learning, I have grown and I’m still growing, I have found myself and I have been found. The most important thing I learnt is that God is the only One that can make me extremely happy and with Him, everything and anything is possible and I need to put my trust in Him and give my all to Him. I learnt that my body, mind and soul are not mine but God’s and I have to let Him take control, guide me to the right path and set my life straight. Some days were tough but, I learnt that tough days are the ones that ‘make’ us the most and without one or two of them, we will not appreciate the good days that we have. I learnt not to try to ‘be’ but, just ‘be’ instead. I mean, “Don’t try to be amazing, you are amazing so, just be amazing. Don’t try to be pretty, you are pretty in your own way so, just be pretty.”

It was dark and cloudy but, I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My laugh is genuine again and my smile is gradually moving from ear to ear. The sky that was grey then is becoming blue again. I know that when I look back at this year, I’ll smile and be thankful for it. I know that it was a journey destined for me to embark on and it is gradually coming to an end. I have started writing again (little by little) and I’m thrilled about it.

I know that it won’t be all ‘roses and chocolates’ all the time but, I pray for the strength to carry on. With God, beautiful family, annoying (read: wonderful) friends, my head held up high and my amazing smile, I’ll have great days and do great things.
So, hey 2017 (and beyond), let’s do great together, what do you reckon?
*whispers* Please treat me well.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime