The Elastic Heart Series with Atoke: Part V – I Have to Let You Go

I always say to Glory Edozien, “You are the love mistress. Love is your territory. You love, love.” It is true; Glory IS the love queen. She has this glow when she talks about matters of the heart. Me? Not quite. I don’t care. My love is my writing. My heart? Chained away, padlocked and frozen.

So, when I found myself in a Situationship, I struggled with confronting the realisation that this is what was actually going on.

Wait, you don’t know what a Situationship is? Where were you when Isio Wanogho and Uru Eke were talking about it here on BN? Tsk, Tsk! Okay, I’ll help you out:

Aidanneal.com properly captures it:
“A situationship is basically a pseudo-relationship. A placebo masking itself as a formative relationship. It smells like a relationship, it sorta looks like a relationship, and it may even feel like one, but it’s not. Urban Dictionary describes a situationship as any problematic relationship characterised by one or more unresolved, interpersonal conflicts. usually confused with dating.”

All caught up now? Good!

A situationship is that halfway place between talking and being in a relationship. It’s sha a whole lot of rocking chair style techniques. (No, not sexual, you perv!) I mean, it gives you so much to do, but takes you NO WHERE!

You’re talking to this person but you don’t really want to ask that dreaded question because you don’t want to come across as an Eager Beaver. So you just let the absence of definition drag on and on and on! Till you find yourself broken hearted. Then you’re told “But we were not in a relationship, ke!”

Dearly beloved, I’m here to preach one word of Rhema to you today…It is very okay to ask that question. The Love Queen, Glory Edozien also confirms it. In any case, once you’re in your 30s, you have the carte blanche to do anything you want to. You know why?

Because you’re an ADULT!

So, since I’m such a tough talker and a know-it-all, why did I fall into this pit of despair and become a bumbling mess when I asked the “what do you want with me?” question and got the “friendship!” response?

But, I was still going to be a strong woman, okay? I wasn’t going to let a man use me emotionally and tell me he just wants to be friend. No! I beat my chest and stood in my room, with all the righteous indignation in the world.

“I am going to need to dial this back a whole lot! I can’t do the kind of friendship you want.” I beat my chest King Kong style and decided to cut the man off!

The Elastic Heart Series is the result of my decision. It chronicles my walk through the pain of trying to clutch myself back from my Situationship. It has been a long, arduous journey and I hope that nobody will ever tell you that it is easy.

Because, that sh*t hurts so bad.
My emotions Yo-Yo’d from happiness, to relief, to anger, and back to intense sadness. Days of tears soaking my pillow, and me trying to muffle my sobs because I didn’t want my roommate to think this strong girl had somehow crumbled. I feel a little better now, and I’ve decided to share my experience in a 5-part series. If you have never heard Elastic Heart by Sia, please get acquainted, because this song got me through this very difficult period. I may not be as strong as I thought I was, but now I realise that what I have is an Elastic Heart.

I hope you enjoy this series and I hope it helps somebody.

***
I should be asleep, but I’m lying here thinking about you. This is stupid. I am being stupid.  Even writing this now feels stupid. The fact that my vocabulary seems to be limited to just one word, in all of this, seems equally stupid. All of it is stupid.

You.
Me.
You.
You.
You.

Yes, you should take all the awards for being stupid. All….

But the summation of all your stupidity is still not as much as the knowledge that I’m basking in the glow of the memory of knowing you were there.

I want to step out of this bubble for a few minutes and call you, chat with you… then come back to being angry at you.

I want to know that you’re fine.
I want to know that nobody is giving you anxiety issues.
I want to know that you’re in a happy place.

And when I know, I want to be mad at you for doing so well without me.

***
This is the last of The Elastic Heart Series. I can’t be sad in perpetuity and so I’ve found strength in the one thing that never lets me down – my work.

I find writing very therapeutic and very much a form of cathartic release. So, I’m putting all of this force into the TV show I’m currently writing – which by itself is incredibly emotionally draining. But I can do it. Why? Because I see women like Shonda Rhimes, Beyonce Knowles-Carter, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie and Serena Williams (Dr. Temperance Brennan, too – yes I know she’s a fictional character, but she has earned her stripes) kicking ass, and pushing through.

YES, I CAN!

Right after the Toronto International Film Festival 2016, I’ll be in Lagos to host an event titled………

Erm.. Look, guys! I’ve been nursing a heartbreak here. My brain hasn’t quite figured out a nice title. Suggest something in the comments for me, abeg.

But, it is going to be a nice evening where we will gather around a nice room with lovely potted plants and a lot of art work on the walls. Because, ambience is EVERYTHING! We will have loads of cocktails because cocktails helps to loosen tongues! and, we will have a lot of laughter.

The idea behind the event is for you to learn how to get your voice heard. Also to just come and chill, and laugh! I’ll even share some BellaNaija behind-the-scenes for those of you who wanna know how things work here. *comments moderation expo| and how to get your articles published*

Look, we live in a world where everybody is saying something! Who is really directing the type of conversations we’re having? And, as you can see in the comments online, people always have something to say; sometimes they’re just afraid of saying them – to avoid ruffling a few feathers.

In October, I’ll be sitting with my friends, and some of you lovely people who want to have fun with us; and we’ll talk about how the things we read, see and hear around us shapes our mindsets, on our lifestyle and invariably our culture. The idea is to encourage people and spark a light for positive change. Also, to start a revolution within the minds of the millennials in Nigeria because, honestly, we’re really becoming dodoyos.

I’ll also read excerpts from my upcoming book. Shhh… that was supposed to be a secret! But, broken heart, loose tongue.

Oh, there will be love talk by Glory Edozien, and canapés will be provided by Chef Fregz! (Because, y’all know I have the BEST FRIENDS in the world!)

Please follow me on Twitter @atoke_ and on Instagram @atoke_ for updates on the event.

Peace, love & celery sticks!