Olamikanra Oluwakemi: Who Said You Are Not Beautiful?

The definition of beauty has always been elusive to me. According to the Oxford Dictionary, beauty is “a combination of qualities, such as shape, colour, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight.” However, I find this definition lacking because it renders beauty to be ambiguous. If the standard of what’s beautiful depends on the viewer’s aesthetic perception, then the concept of beauty is ambiguous by definition. Does this mean that being beautiful is subjective and fluid in definition? Or is this definition false? Do people care too much about something that doesn’t actually matter?

In today’s world, we are bombarded with images of perfect fit-fam figures and unique physical quirks and features. There is a strong thirst, fueled by the media, to present perfection in all aspects of life. Women, in particular, feel the pressure to excel in their careers, maintain a spotless home, and always look flawless. The ability to keep every single hair in place while creating an undeniable impact in the workplace and somehow never getting wrinkles is something many strive for. It is to the point where perceived identity matters more than actual identity and it’s a quandary of choices for the individual who finds that the latter is more important.

Statistics show that 80% of women have called themselves fat, 79% have dealt with a negative body image, 45% have compared the way they look to a Barbie doll and 53% think Barbie represents the ideal body type. Many questions come to mind at these figures, but the most critical one might be why a Barbie doll is the beauty standard that a majority of women hold themselves to. I have also, at some point, held myself to the same standard. Watching the Barbie movie was ironic and therapeutic, as it showcased how empty these beauty standards can be.

As a child growing up in a traditional Nigerian household, I was often subjected to negative comments about my tomboyish fashion sense, stocky body structure, and overall plain appearance. I grew up stuck in a perpetual mire of doubt regarding my appearance and whether or not I would ever meet the standards for beauty. Even now, as an adult with a positive body image, my initial reaction to compliments about my appearance is always a pleasant surprise, humorous deprecating remarks, reluctant acceptance, and then gratitude, in that exact order. The last two usually only happen when the person giving compliments repeats their comments.

Somewhere in my tumultuous journey towards adulthood, I had embraced the idea that I would never be a beautiful girl and I was incapable of achieving the level of appeal that made other girls get called pretty so easily. I decided I wouldn’t struggle to reach the beauty standards because I didn’t have the features to qualify anyway. 

I wore baggy clothes to hide my wide hips and wore a jacket all the time because my arms were on the flabby side. I favoured big hair that covered half of my face because if my features weren’t seen, no one could decide if I was pretty or not. This dedication to covering up with layers earned me the nickname “homeless person” in university and I humorously ran with it, deciding it was better to make jokes about it than talk about not feeling pretty enough to wear less.

A turning point came when a friend randomly called me “hot” while I changed clothes as we chatted in the hostel. I froze and wondered if I was being mocked. I laughed and asked her to stop but she repeated the statement, describing what she found attractive about my features. She then went on to talk about her body insecurities and I listened, my entire state of mind in equal parts shock and confusion as she described what I thought was the perfect body with derision. She was slim, tall, and dark and I thought she looked like a perfect Nubian goddess. I spent the rest of the conversation assuring her that she looked great, but just as I couldn’t understand why she thought I looked good, she couldn’t understand why I thought she was beautiful.

Intentional conversations after this experience would teach me that most women walk around feeling insecure and incapable of meeting the generally accepted standards of beauty. Every woman I have discussed this topic with feels they lack, in many areas, where beauty is concerned. From fat upper arms to love handles, skinny or thick legs, hairiness, android hips, and inverted body shapes, almost every woman is insecure about their looks in one way or another.

So is true beauty slimmer thighs and a buxom bosom? Or is it a barely existing waist and 4D hips tapering down to slim, well-rounded calves? I guess there’s no one answer. I think that the question isn’t even about what’s beautiful or not. Rather, it’s whether you see beauty when you look at your body. 

For every woman, big or small, light or dark-skinned, and tall or short, there is a need first intentionally to build a positive body image. Achieving this will be the first in many steps toward seeing and accepting the inherent beauty everyone has. This can only be done when we decide that the standard for beauty is nonexistent.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then the only beholder that matters is you. In my journey to developing a positive view of myself, thick calves, stretch marks, and all, I spent a lot of time looking in the mirror and observing my features. After a few uncomfortable weeks of only seeing things I hated or needed to change, I became more comfortable and started to notice features I didn’t know I had – the tiny cute birthmarks peppered all over my torso and parts of my arms, how my legs, although thick, tapered down quite nicely, or the shape of my eyes, the natural lining of my lips, and my smile. I was slowly falling in love with the person I saw in the mirror and she was cute and also had dimples.

The point here is to take a good look at yourself without being influenced by outside voices or media standards. At first, you might feel uncomfortable or want to look away, but eventually, you will notice the unique and beautiful features that make you who you are. True acceptance starts with yourself. If you don’t accept yourself, others will do the same.

If you asked me what true beauty is, I still wouldn’t have a clear answer. However, I believe that true beauty is self-acceptance. It’s about acknowledging and validating who you are and what you look like as good. Regardless of how many external changes you make, the person inside you remains the same. Every time you look in the mirror, the reflection staring back at you is decided by the person inside.

Self-acceptance means loving yourself for who you are, even if you have buck teeth, flabby arms or anything else that you don’t like about yourself. If you decide to change something, either organically or with medical help, the one thing that must remain constant is your acceptance of who you see in the mirror. You can also spread this beauty by helping other women learn to love themselves and accept themselves for who they are. If more women learned to love themselves and accept themselves for who they are, we could create a world where over 80% of women have a positive body image.

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Feature Image by George Milton for Pexels