Features
Chioma Momah: Lessons I Learned from 20 Years of Marriage
Every marriage has its peculiarities, so you must focus on your marriage and stop comparing it to others.
Recently I celebrated 20 years in marriage, and as I went down memory lane, I thought about all the things I had learned along the way. Interestingly, these lessons can also work for your business or career. Here are a few lessons I’ve learned:
Can two walk together unless they agree?
In any relationship – marriage or work – there needs to be a solid agreement to build a strong foundation. I’m not talking about a prenup but a willingness from both parties that the marriage will work. There must be some alignment of values, desires, and goals. Where one or both parties give up on the marriage, then not much can be done.
Clearly define roles
For man and wife, they both must know and communicate their expectations so they can live up to them. Does your husband plan to handle rent, fees, and all major bills? Have you agreed to split your costs 50/50? Are you the minister for kitchen affairs while he handles maintenance of vehicles and utilities? It is not a one-size-fits-all situation, so see what works best for you and your spouse.
Speak life
What do you want to see in your marriage? Speak it and see it manifest. Many times, we are tempted to just say stuff out of frustration, but we must remember that the words we speak are powerful and must always consciously paint the picture we want to see. Trust me, if you use toxic and negative words, things will get worse and not better. Remember that you and your spouse are one… so speak life and love!
United we stand
Even when you don’t quite see eye to eye, ensure that you present a united front. Let your children, your families, and the world know you are one. This is important as any sign of division will always be exploited and could cause even more division.
You are the source of your happiness
Yes, I know God is our ultimate source, but whether you choose happiness or not each day depends on you. You can decide to have a great attitude or sulk each day. So as much as you and your spouse should strive to make each other happy, don’t depend on them for your joy each day… choose to be happy! Even when it comes to your spouse, note what they do right and celebrate them. In no time you will find that you have more to be happy about.
Communication is key
Every relationship thrives on healthy communication, and for a marriage to work one must ensure that you have healthy and open communication. Talk about everything and anything – your dreams, your children, your fears… everything! Non-verbal communication is also very important, so ensure that healthy communication is prioritized and as clear as possible. One thing that helps with communication is understanding each other’s love languages so that both parties feel loved and appreciated.
Choose your battles
Some battles must be fought immediately, while some aren’t worth fighting at all. Choose wisely and avoid fighting unnecessary battles that may end up causing serious damage to your union. Think about it: is the fact that he squeezes the toothpaste from the center such a big deal?
A stitch in time
When you notice something you don’t like, correct it immediately. There is a time to let sleeping dogs lie, but there are some things that need to be addressed immediately, else they may end up becoming something bigger and more difficult. While we can ignore poorly squeezed toothpaste, some issues may have far-reaching effects and need to be addressed immediately with wisdom.
Water your garden
Every marriage has its peculiarities, so you must focus on your marriage (garden) and stop comparing it to others. For all you know, the garden you are admiring may even be artificial grass. Rather than comparing, try to focus on making your garden green and lush.
Flee from all appearances of evil
If it looks like evil, run! Gone are the days when married people were considered off limits. You will be chased and propositioned by the opposite sex (and even the same sex). It is up to you to set firm boundaries because na from clap e dey enter dance, and even the most disciplined person can succumb to emotional or sexual temptation. You and your spouse should give no room for any risky behaviour, like indulging that overly flirtatious co-worker. It’s better to be accused of being uptight than to put the sanctity of your marriage at risk.
Don’t give up!
There was a time I almost gave up. My husband is a great guy, but we had our fair share of misunderstandings, especially in the early years. Thankfully, we weathered the storm. Many marriages have challenges and it’s easy to just give up, but I implore you – unless you have no other choice, do not give up! Be patient and keep celebrating the good. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
