Tess of Girlfriends: Don’t Get Mad, Get Even! Check Out These Tips For Getting Back At Your Ex

We all handle the hurt of break-ups differently. Some people are good at blocking out all the memories and just moving on; some cry and throw tantrums and starve/over-eat and lean on family and friends for support. Others prefer to reflect on events that preceded the break-up, staying in denial and refusing to let go, reliving the memories and pondering where and how things went wrong and what they could have done or could still do to make amends.
However, there are some people who are ignited with a passion for revenge; a need to show the ex that hurting them was a big mistake and wanting them to crawl back on hands and knees to beg their forgiveness. Aha! If you belong to this last category, this piece is for you. This is not to say that vengeance is the best way to handle a break-up, as only you can decide what’s best for you. The point is that if you feel that need for revenge, here’s how to ensure the kick is below the belt.

Return everything
Yes, everything! You want to give the impression that you do not need anything from the ass that had the guts to dump you. Pay back borrowed money and return mementos, gift items, cards, things he/she left over at your place. Don’t keep anything that will remind your of your ex, you’ll heal faster. Also, don’t throw anything away. If you tore or broke whatever it was, return the shredded/broken pieces still. The ex needs to see them. Everything should be accounted for… damaged or no. Leave no room for him/her to assume you kept something out of spite or sentiments.

Keep a distance and heal
Once you’re done with the returns, cut off ALL communication and stay away. Ignore any calls and messages from your ex. We all know revenge is a dish best served cold. You wont make much impact if you’re in a hurry to point out the error your ex made in dumping you. So, take out time to cry, vent, starve or binge on food, wine and ice-cream (whatever floats your boat), break things, curse etc to help you get over the hurt and then STOP. Don’t go begging – never ever beg – and don’t stalk. Cut all strings completely including social media follows/friendships and your ex’s family and close friends. If you’re always on your ex’s radar, he/she won’t get a chance to miss you. Nah, you most definitely need your absence felt. Avoid mutual friends as much as possibly until you’re ready… ready for what? Ah! We’ll get to that soon.

Have the basics down
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and live life to the fullest… literally. Do whatever makes you happy – go out and get some air, make new friends, pursue interests, eat right, work out and be in the best health and shape ever, sleep well, read books, watch movies, smile, laugh, try new things, always look good etc. In a nutshell – become really really hot inside and out.

Strive to excel
Bag that new degree, get promoted at work, get that bad ass car, move into that posh new house in the posh neighbourhood, pursue that goal/dream you always wanted and kick-ass at it, if it works out that you start a great new relationship or get happily married – fantastic! (You’ll probably forget all about your plot for revenge at this point. Otherwise, by all means keep going) …just make sure you grow past where you were when dumped. Become a force to reckon with by developing yourself. Ever wondered why ex’s happen to find their way back to you when you’ve become more successful? Keep that in mind and imagine the face of that babe that said you didn’t have potential when she hears you’re now a manager with Chevron. Or the face of the guy that called you stupid when he hears you’re schooling at or just graduated from Harvard. LOL! Let the need for revenge motivate you to achieve your goals.

Upgrade your social media presence
You gotta leave something to be drooled over. All pictures must be on fleek; power poses, full of confidence and happiness, fabulous outfits, great locations. Status updates/captions must exude grace and elegance – no room for self pity or cheap attention seeking. The idea is to show that you have done well for yourself without the ass that dared to cheat on you or insult you while you were together.

Reconnect with mutual friends
When you’ve completed steps 1 – 5, you’re ready to serve the cold dish of revenge. It’s time to reconnect with the mutual friends you have with your ex. This is important in your plot because they are the ones that will tell your ex about the amazing new you. They’ll trigger your ex’s curiousity to find out what they are talking about. That’s when he/she (your ex) will learn about your new achievements and stalk your social media accounts trying to satisfy their curiousity. Don’t forget to take off your accounts from private view *wink* (remember you cut your ex off from social media, so they can’t creep on your accounts if on private mode) However, most of the time, the amebo mutual friend is usually more than willing to send your ex screenshots of your pictures and stuff. Hehehe

Run into your ex by ‘accident’
Karma will usually have your back on this one but if karma ain’t happening soon enough, you gotta engineer the accidental run-in yourself. Go somewhere you’re sure to run into him/her, perhaps a place you both used to go when you were together. Do you need to be reminded that you have to be looking like a million bucks when you do this? Give your ex the chance to see the new you up close and personal… but only briefly.

Bonus: Have a new accessory on your arm – the new boo – when you accidentally meet your ex. If you don’t have a boo, a good looking friend of yours who’s quick with smart-ass comebacks will do. No ex likes to know that you’re doing better than they are, not to mention having someone perceived to be better than them in looks, intelligence and achievements etc.

Be fun and mysterious
At the run-in, don’t start a long conversation catching up on old times. The idea is to serve just the appetizer, not a full-course meal. Be nice but breezy. Right after the greetings, have a power meeting you have to get to, or a plane to catch to a fabulous vacation, or the shopping for a new car to do, or an appearance on CNN you have to go in for etc Leave him/her dazed and painfully wanting to spend more time with you, and you’ll have them begging for a way to meet up soon and catch-up.

The final punch…
We’ll leave you to decide how you want to handle this part – laugh in his/her face and give a piece of your mind, gain the inner satisfaction you just wanted by calmly and politely telling your ex you’re so past him/her, remind him/her of whatever it was they said or did to hurt you and getting the apology you need – whatever it is that will finally give you closure.

xoxo..

Photo Credit: Dreamstime